The Kimber-nator
AT last, the weeks of training on dark nights around the streets of Whiteley have paid off for the Kimber-nator.
Natty Nick Kimber, the Alan Sugar of Stubbington Green Runners, was paying a festive visit to one of his emporium of sports stores to spread festive cheer and goodwill to staff when he came face to face with a gang of shoplifters.
They hot-footed it out of the Whiteley store with one of Nick's reasonably priced but extremely trendy jackets in their sweaty palms.
One of the lardy shoplifters gave up without too much of a chase within yards of the store - clearly fazed by Nick's stinging words of warning: "Oi, you, stop thief. I am a finely-honed, Olympic trained athlete who will have you banged to rights in an instant if you dare flee."
Meanwhile, fleet-footed Nick, without even a pre-race stretch or a glucose drink, set off in pursuit of the other two villains round the roads of Whiteley.
Just to show off, Nick had taken his mobile phone to give police a running commentary of the pursuit - not that it helped a great deal, as Nick had no idea where he was and had to keep asking passers-by where the hell he was going!
Once the thieves thought about laying into Nick, but seeing his muscular physique and fine toning nurtured from the many weeks spent in sun-kissed Spain, they decided against it
In the end, out-fought and out-thought by the dynamic runner, the dorkish duo flung the coat to one side and fled off in the distance. Interestingly, they'd left all their ID in a car parked at Whiteley where lardy-mate was having a pleasant chat with the boys in blue.
"It was a fair cop," said an out-of-breath Nick afterwards, who set a new 5km personal best with the pursuit, and described it as perfect preparation for his London Marathon training.
There's no truth in the rumour that Mark Le Gassick has been taken on as security consultant for Nick-nack's emporium.
After all, his message to shoplifters is simple: You can't out-run the Kimber-nator!!